2 Factors that keep couples trapped in conflict
Dr Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book titled “Love and Respect.” In it, he coined the term “crazy cycle.” It’s what every couple has found themselves in when arguing with no ability to communicate clearly, and resolve their conflict efficiently. Nearly every couple I meet finds themselves stuck in this arena. What the couple doesn’t understand is that while they’re battling it out, there are two forces that keep them trapped in conflict: negative core beliefs being triggered in each other, and the frontal lobe in their brain shutting down.
What are Negative Core Beliefs?
Negative core beliefs are the deepest negative beliefs an individual has about themselves. It typically (though not always) stems from early childhood experiences from some form of trauma or neglect. As time progresses, the individual subconsciously identifies situations that solidify the beliefs in their mind. As the individual grows and matures, he or she isn’t always thinking “I am powerless” or “I am helpless” (just two examples). However, something only has to feel remotely familiar in order to trigger this belief in the present.
If this is the case, why can’t we just communicate what’s going on internally with our partner? This is where anger comes into play. I like to refer to anger as a superficial emotion when two partners are fighting. It’s not the true emotion at that moment. It’s the defense mechanism an individual uses as default to protect the wounded self from having to experience their earlier trauma all over again.
In the moment of being triggered, your brain is interpreting something as being similar to the trauma or neglect you experienced in the past. Your reptilian brain (backside of head toward the lower section) tells your adrenal glands to start pumping adrenaline and cortisol through your veins. This is literally what causes discomfort throughout your body like tension in your head, face, neck, shoulders, chest or stomach. It can also cause a flush of heat, edgy nerves, shortness of breath, and increased heart rate. I refer to this as becoming emotionally hijacked.
What Happens When My Frontal Lobe Shutdown?
While all of this is playing out in your body, your frontal lobe (the part behind your forehead) shuts down. It results in losing your ability to reason, problem-solve, regulate your own emotions, and manage your own impulsivity.
How do I overcome these two powerful factors?
First off, don’t be afraid to call a timeout between you and your partner. I usually suggest a minimum of 30 mins but no more than 90 minutes. Keep in mind this is not time to ruminate. It’s time to regain control of your brain and emotions.
I suggest doing the following steps on your own:
Identify what exactly triggered you
Identify where and how you feel it in your body
Identify the emotion(s) you’re feeling
Identify your automatic negative thoughts about self to determine a theme
Identify evidence that contradicts the negative theme of thoughts you default towards
Step one is important to label exactly what triggered you so that you’ll be able to communicate to your partner when you regroup.
Steps one through three are important because they help begin the reboot process in your frontal lobes. This is important to begin self-regulating and be able to reason in order to find a solution.
Imagine every time you’ve encountered this flooding of emotions. It’s like your emotion is in the driver’s seat and you’re a back seat passenger with no control over where you’re headed. When you’re able to identify how and where in your body you’re experiencing the sensations, and call out the emotion, you’re effectively stepping out of the car and observing the emotion in the driver’s seat without letting it take you for a drive.
Steps four and five are necessary to reprogram new beliefs in your mind. This is not a quick fix. It takes time. Everytime you become triggered and become emotionally hijacked, these steps are necessary to regain control over your flooded emotions and be able to think clearly.