Why does my partner trigger me so easily?

One of the most common struggles I encounter while giving marriage therapy to couples is constant bickering with no underlying theme. Oftentimes, couples will seek counseling because they are tired of fighting and feel so distant from each other. There is an analogy that I use regularly to help couples understand what is going on in their relationship.

The analogy:

Imagine in any given week your tire blows out, your refrigerator burns out, and your washing machine stops working. Also, imagine what it would feel like if you only had $200 in the bank. How stressful would this feel? Think about how easy it would be to become triggered over any little thing. Now imagine those same events occurring with one difference…you now have $25,000 in the bank. What’s the difference? There is plenty of money in the bank to absorb the unexpected expenses. 

How does this relate to a relationship?

Each of us has an emotional bank account. When each other’s bank account is running at or near a zero balance, it becomes easy to flip out, become irritated or aggravated with our partner. Subtle inflections in our partner’s tone, body language, or mood can easily trigger us. Not only is the couple distant due to a lack of meaningful connections, but they are driving a further wedge by the crazy cycles of bickering they keep repeating. 

Consider the alternative. When individuals connect with their spouse or partner in meaningful ways, they’re effectively making a deposit into each other’s emotional bank account. The more this occurs, the higher their balance. When there is a higher balance in each partner’s bank account, grace (or the benefit of the doubt) is more readily given to each other. Each of their emotional bank accounts has plenty to absorb each other’s imperfections and unexpected foul moods.