How to use a timeout in my relationship

Whoa! Stop! Timeout!

Is your relationship accustomed to getting upset and sweeping conflict under the rug?

One or both of you are locked into a rigid belief that you’re right and your defensive walls popped up. 

This is when knowing how to use a timeout can be a helpful tool for your relationship.

I’ll list the steps first, then I’ll talk about them.

1. Respect the timeout if one of you calls it

2. Fixed time window - 30-90 mins

3. Specific purpose during timeout - treat your emotions and assess what happened

4. Rejoin

5. Communicate

Let me elaborate on these steps:

1. Respect the timeout request: If one person calls a timeout, the other person cannot continue to force the issue. If they do, it only causes the other person to shutdown even more and makes them feel unsafe to communicate.

2. Fixed time window: For those of you that tend to shut down during conflict, this may cause anxiety for you. It’s meant to challenge you to not ignore what happened. When we ignore what happened, resentment is knocking at the door trying to setup residence inside your thoughts and emotions.

3. Specific purpose during timeout: This interaction was felt in your nervous system. It’s important to do something specific that helps ease this discomfort. Diaphragm breathing or physical movement are just two examples. Secondly It’s important to process how this affected you. Begin by assessing your:

1. Thoughts

2. Emotions

3. Deeper need - For example: I wish you would be kinder or softer, I wish you could hear me and validate me. Or, you really make me feel like I don’t matter to you, I felt rejected, I felt unimportant to you.

4. Rejoin: Someone has to initiate. Don’t get hungup on who does it. Just initiate. It can look like this: Can we check in? If yes, great! If no, offer to check back in 20-30 minutes. 

5. Communicate: The dialogue here is the same guide I gave you on processing what just happened…thoughts, emotions, and deeper.

Here’s an important reminder: your difficult emotions may not be perfectly peaceful. Don’t kid yourself that this is a requirement. The only requirement is a willingness to restore the relationship.

Why is this format useful?

We typically get hung up on what we think are the facts of the argument. But that’s where we get stuck. We want to argue the facts. This format shifts the dialogue to how this incident impacted me. 

2 reasons this is way more useful:

1. Your partner cannot argue your personal experience whether they agree with it or not.

2. What you’re communicating is more centered on how it affected you rather than accusing your partner which, triggers their defenisive wall.

For each step you communicate - allow your partner to paraphrase back what they heard.

For the partner paraphrasing back - you don’t have to agree with what they’re saying. In fact, you may feel an emotional rise inside of you that you have to regulate and not let it drive your behavior.

After one person communicates each of the 3 steps and the partner paraphrases back each one, it’s important to acknowledge your partner’s deepest need, apologize if appropriate, and express gratitude for them sharing. 

Once one partner is done, go ahead and switch roles.